Study: carpet safer than hardwood floors

About 26% of men and women who play Edward Scissorhands with their nether regions have caused injury in the process, according to a study published in JAMA Dermatology. Laceration was the most common type of injury reported, followed by burns and rashes. WHAT THE…? BURNS? Anyway, the authors concluded that those who seek out the Mr. (or Ms.) Clean look are more likely to injure themselves than those looking for, say, a 2013 Kaepernick. However, sticking with the 2017 Kaepernick is probably safest. Authors claim this research is important because it can lead to safer grooming practices. Doubtful. More likely, this was a grad student’s master’s thesis he proposed on a dare. Come on people, it’s not topiary. (Don’t worry, no FastPoll™ on this topic).